That I am experiencing burn out because I've been wanting to do really good in school, but that's really not who I am. Maybe I did it to prove that I am better than people think I am. Or to prove to myself that I can do something great if I set my eyes on it. Burned enough that I didn't like reading a book. Now, that woke me up from the semi-conscious state my mind was in. It was a jolt to my fading love for reading.
I love reading. I've been reading ALL my life. I ravaged every book I can get my hands on. I slipped into the book's world as soon as I opened it. I loved it so much that I would rather spend money buying a book than eating. I can go on reading books for days without food. That was how much I loved it. I always felt words on paper made more sense.
Then I tried reading a book yesterday, and I couldn't go past page 1. I was baffled. Concerned. It shook me. "WHY?" It just didn't make sense to me. I couldn't stand reading a book. One thing that I always loved. People come and go, but my books stayed. With my memory-less nightmare, then the fact that I couldn't stand reading.... I was more than concerned. I blame stress for my nightmare, but why didn't I love reading like I used to? Then, when I woke up and tried reading again... NOTHING.
It may sound stupid to others, but it means a lot to me. I love reading, and I like how my imagination runs whenever I read a book. I felt like my creativity just went out the window. My imagination is just black and white. This can't stay the way it is. I need to do something. I rely on my imagination a lot. I use it to make sense of the world around me, to predict situations, and make my world stable.
So today, I decided to disconnect. I just thought of nothing (I am very capable to doing that, blocking everything) and did nothing. Stared at the ceiling. Then I tried imagining something. Okay, it's a small start. I imagined a room. I decided on the wall color. Then how many windows, how high the ceiling is, are there lights, what's inside the room, etc. As the imagery stuck, I put more and more things. A pen, paper, a book. It sounds silly, but that's how I usually recharge my mind. Connecting to my mind again with the way I know how.
And the result? I am getting there. I am slowly recharging. I am currently reading a book, that's not related to school, and my love for books is back. I am about halfway through the book. It's light reading, but the fact that I can keep the imagery in my head, read it page by page, and make sense of it in my head... Recharging SUCCESS.
Other issues I need to address...
Today, I was scared of disconnecting.
WHY?
Because when I did it a lot of times before, I completely shut down. My mind, heart and body. I cut off ties completely. I stop feeling. I get numb. I've done it a lot. I shut down when I get hurt. And when I say shut down, I mean it. I could stop caring. I can really get numb. It's how I am. People I trust tend to hurt me, hence the over-protection I have. Shut down in a way that I will stop feeling any emotions I have for some people. I cut everything. I walk away.
I was scared that if I disconnected this time, I would do the same. But I didn't want to shut down or cut off completely. I just needed to disconnect for my mind, and not from my heart. At this point in my life, I have someone that makes me want to turn around and walk back, instead of walking away. Hence, my reluctance to disconnect.
Today, I realized....
That I am a completely different person. Sure, I am still Pauwie. But there used to be a lot of things I kept hidden. Not anymore. I learned to trust myself more. I learned to look at life and see it in different perspectives. I have changed for the better. I learned to accept more of who I really am rather than hiding it from people. Someone told me that I was good at hiding my feelings. Yes, I am. Years of betrayal from people I trust made me good at it. But I am not saying that I won't change it. I am starting to change it. Baby steps, but moving. It might not be as fast as some people, but I'm doing it at my pace, my way. See? It's still me. The same old stubborn me, who dont really care about what people thought, and the same person who always does it her way.
I know I am hard to understand, may be difficult to deal with sometimes, but who isnt? We all have our moments.. I just tend to have mine at very random times.
So, anyway, I realized that I shouldn't be scared to disconnect whenever I feel the need to. Because my heart/feelings will not change. It's on stable ground, and is with someone who I know will take care of it.
I am not going anywhere. No matter what. I am here to stay. I may be difficult sometimes, but do know that my heart is firmly planted in yours and will always be there. I know to whom my heart belongs to, and I plan to make my heart beat for that someone for a very long time. HMMM. I really did change. I actually want someone to be a part of my life, and for that person to part of mine.. For a very long time.
For my Skeeter, I can't thank you enough for telling me the words I needed to hear. And for loving me. You are the best blessing God ever gave me. The best surprise life ever threw at me. And simply the most amazing person I know. Thank you for trusting me. For loving me. For trying to understand me, even when I know it was hard. I hope you stay with me for a long time. Life will not be life without you.
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